I've always disliked the word "depression", it brings
to mind paralyzing fear and no showers and never getting out of bed and people
that are always alone. I'm a well-read person so I know this isn't always true
but the word always makes me feel clammy and anxious and well, depressed. I
like to pretend that what happens to me isn't depression, is just that I don't
check where I'm going and suddenly I fall into a black hole that's hard
to get out of.
The first time I fell into a hole I was 14, between the hormones, the
change of school and pretending to be someone I wasn't, the hole was a nice
warm place where I didn't have to feel anything. The second time, I was in my
sophomore year in college where I spent my time constantly dueling with extreme
desires. The third time, I was 31 and my dreams had collapsed around me and my
heart was broken in so many pieces I didn't think I'd ever climb out. This three
big holes (more like craters actually) don't negate the existence of the
smaller ones I've constantly tripped into throughout my life.
