Here I go again

It’s been 3 years, 3 months, and 5 days since I last updated this blog. In that time, I lived in New York City for two months, worked on a Netflix movie (True Memoirs of an International Assassin), lost my mother to cancer, learned how to knit, took an intensive Professional Make Up class and visited 6 different countries. Even though my summary is only a couple lines long, I don’t know if you can tell it’s been an intense ride.

Right now, I have a steady job which helps me pay for therapy twice a month, a yarn addiction that has me knitting my first sweater and for all the scrapbooking supplies I’m obsessing about while taking an online class.

The year of Happy

I've always disliked the word "depression", it brings to mind paralyzing fear and no showers and never getting out of bed and people that are always alone. I'm a well-read person so I know this isn't always true but the word always makes me feel clammy and anxious and well, depressed. I like to pretend that what happens to me isn't depression, is just that I don't check where I'm going and suddenly  I fall into a black hole that's hard to get out of.

The first time I fell into a hole I was 14, between the hormones, the change of school and pretending to be someone I wasn't, the hole was a nice warm place where I didn't have to feel anything. The second time, I was in my sophomore year in college where I spent my time constantly dueling with extreme desires. The third time, I was 31 and my dreams had collapsed around me and my heart was broken in so many pieces I didn't think I'd ever climb out. This three big holes (more like craters actually) don't negate the existence of the smaller ones I've constantly tripped into throughout my life.

Everyday you learn something new

       On December 31, 2013 I decided to spend New Year’s Eve by myself.  Most of my friends were at work, my roommate had just left for New York and even though I had invites to parties I decided to stay in. I chose that night to truly think about what I wanted for myself in all aspects of my life. I’d never sat down to think about this. For years my goals were always: more money, a great title at work, become a size 6, meet a guy who was hot and rich, maybe travel the world and then I’d be happy.

When I thought about my past desires I realized why I was never satisfied so I cleaned out my list and kept the one thing I truly wanted: Be happy! But how was I going to accomplish this? The only way was by choosing to always be honest with myself. When I choose this, my entire list changed:

2014 Food Plans

I love food. I enjoy cooking but most of all I love to eat. For the past 10 years I’ve battled constantly with my weight. For about 2 years I did the Atkins diet and lost 90 pounds. I kept the weight off for two years then after some hard times I ended up gaining about 40 of those lost pounds back. Since 2011 I’ve tried just about every fad diet and every “lifestyle” change out there and I’m over it. This year I’m taking a different approach.

I just finished a five day detox,  this one wasn’t my favorite ( I’ve done 5 in the past 3 years) but  it did remind me how much I love fruit and that Juicing is really great. In all my diet testing, I learned  that bread and sugar make me feel good when I eat them but afterwards my body feels like crap for a couple of days and I don’t have much energy.  I also discovered that I can give up milk but not cheese so I want to incorporate all this factors into what I eat. My approach will be hard to label, its a little bit paleo, a little bit Atkins and a little bit vegan.

Vegan?!! I know it’s random and weird especially since I’m embracing my love for cheese and all things pork! I can’t explain it. But I am intrigued by all the things people can make without our basic baking items, like egg (LOVE THEM TOO!!!) and really putting aside the tofu and the seitan, Vegan food is really pretty.

The other day this lady I follow on Instagram @veganista_q8 posted a picture of a No Bake Triple Berry Cheesecake and it was so beautiful I really want to try it. Accounts like hers and many others on Pinterest and Instagram just have me excited about all the stuff you can do in a non-conventional way. The plus side to this is that most of this recipes are also gluten free which means they use ingredients like Almond or coconut flour and chia seeds!! All stuff that’s really healthy and low carb. I am obviously going to make changes to this recipes to make it more appealing or even easier for me but I really want to try a lot of the Vegan recipes I’ve seen on the web.

2014 is the year of embrace. I embrace, my size 10, my love of butter & cheese, my need for a burger with a bun (every once in a while), my love of pork, my love of happy hour and last but not least my recent obsession with all things Vegan. So this year I’ll try to keep my love of fruits and vegetables alive while I try to bake some low carb bread, try to perfect my pulled pork recipe and make a BBQ sauce that’s awesome but sugar free! My sister wants to start using a sugar alcohol called Xylitol  but I want to make a good recipe without it!

All I want is to try and find a healthy balance between the good for you and the just plain good while trying not to gain any weight before my trip to San Francisco where I’ll eat and drink whatever I want!!!

Another Year, Another try at this....

I first started this Journal in January 2010. I wanted this to be an outlet for my creativity and an exercise on discipline. Its January 2014, and in the past four years I've only written a blog post in January!
Its a tradition now, didn't want this month to end without giving this whole blogging thing a try, again. Thanks to +Adrielle Perdomo  for reminding me I even have this thing up!!

2014 started with a lot of changes. On January 1st I moved back home, to once again live with my parents. This time around by choice, so I think it feels a little different. I'm entering the last leg of my 35th year and Ive finally accepted that my purpose in life is searching for a purpose in life.

WHAT?!! Yes. You read correctly, my purpose is to search. Search what? I don't know. Hopefully  whatever i find during my search inspires me to blog about it.

Planning makes it easier

Last time I did the Atkins diet, I worked in the Restaurant industry so every meal I had was prepared for me.
This time around I spent a week planning a Menu for one month. After my menu was ready I went food shopping  prepped most of the meals I would use, then froze them.

I am on Day 3. So far I've followed the menu but not as strict as I thought because the portions Ive used are bigger than I needed. Left overs work really well so I haven't cooked as much as I thought.

Before, After and Now

Today I start  Atkins again

Hopefully I can go back to my 2008 weight

I will try to take a New Picture every 2 weeks
To keep track of the changes

Every year I try again, lets see what happens now

I really do want to be a committed writer. I try every year. I even signed up for this great site called 750 words that i wrote on everyday for over 20 days straight!!! but I couldn't  even last a full month. I am a procrastinator and a lazy writer so I will give myself no time frame, no deadline and no minimum lines to write. I will just post whenever the mood strikes and hopefully this year I'll write more than once.

This new inspiration to blog has been sparked by my return to the Atkins diet. On January 1st, 2006 my cousin sent a picture from the New Year's Eve party we had attended the night before and I almost died when I saw myself. I had always been chubby, but up until that point and that picture i hadn't truly accepted that I was overweight but from that moment on I quit sugar and carbs for 2 years, just like that,cold turkey.  

21 Days and Counting!!

It’s been 2 months and 5 days since my last update and I have almost everything set for my trip:

-All rooming in Italy is booked

- Ticket from Venice to Budapest purchased

- Ticket to the Opera (The Barber of Seville) bought

- Ticket from Prague to Barcelona purchased

Still missing some other details but at least the bulk of the trip is ready!!! I really can’t wait to go. I’m so excited and so worried, the closer the date, the more scared I feel about this journey. I don’t know why I’m so anxious but hopefully now that I have some more free time to plan routes and look up more info about the places im going I’ll be able to calm down

I really cant wait to leave, visiting Italy has been a life long dream!.

Maybe this time I'll keep it up

                                                                                                                                                                

I never finish any writing I start. I've had notebooks and notebooks half filled with first sentences and first paragraphs of all the stories I would one day write. I never have . I started this blog and never continued it but I want to chronicle my next adventure, its titled: An European Leap of Faith. I won’t be taking my computer with me, so I’ll be doing it “old school” style which means I’ll probably never type it up and update this blog. But I’m going to start now and maybe someday I’ll finish it.

So far I have:

a)      A Time Frame

I leave Santo Domingo April 10 return May 12

b)      A Route

Santo Domingo – Rome – Naples – Rome – Florence – Venice- Budapest – Vienna – Prague – Barcelona – Santo Domingo

c)       A Budget

I need US$5000 if I want to sleep in a room by myself and about US$3500 if I want to sleep in a room at all

d)      Plane tickets:

Santo Domingo – Rome

Venice – Budapest

Barcelona – Santo Domingo

I’m still missing a couple of things. The next step is to buy the ticket Prague – Barcelona and to try to secure free housing in as many places as I can by March 10.  I’m giving myself a month before the trip to have my free lodgings settle before I start making reservations and/or paying in advance. Then, I will  need to decide where I will be sleeping at each stop  and I making all the bookings in advance so that I don’t have to carry much money.

At this point people keep asking me if I’m really going to this month long trip alone. I am and I’m afraid, I won’t lie, but I’m more afraid of not doing it, than of what might happen if I do it alone.

Writing Prompts

Im trying to find ways to make myself write. I never thought it would be so hard to make myself do something i actually enjoy. I dont understand!!!!

Today im taking a prompt from The One Minute Writer

Another Year, Another Candle

Today i spent all day helping a friend run errands for her son's fourth birthday.

The theme is motocross, and he knows exactly what he wants. He chose the colors and the cake; he even had a magazine to show the cake lady exactly what he wanted!! He is four!!! 

Kids these days are smarter than ever. 

I dont even remember what i liked when i was four and pretty sure my mom 

used to spend very little money on my birthdays that young.

These days it’s a whole other ballgame. There are ten thousand themes to choose from 

anything from hello kitty to that annoying girl Hanna Montana. 

You go into a store and they have everything you need, im surprised

we didnt find any toilet paper but im sure it exists.

Anyway my point is why do parents make such a big deal about kid’s birthdays

 when they are too young to ever remember it? Honestly my friend and her ex payed

 the same amount I owe in credit card bills (which is a lot trust me) When i was young

 all my birthdays where small because my Quinceanera was going to be Huge!!!

 What do kids do for quinces now? Hire a Pop Star? Do parents take on loans to make that party?

I’m not a very maternal person so maybe I just don’t get it, can someone please explain?

Tomorrow I'll post a picture so that you can see what a really really expensive cake looks like

P.S Blogger was being stupid so this post looks weird!! 

I think the Disney Gods are punishing me for dissing one of their own

Im sure it counts...

I found a new website called Get Glue and its like Crack!! I cant put down the pipe!
Ive spent all afternoon writing comments on it. That counts as writing right?

A little color never hurt anyone!

Yesterday  I wrote a description for my blog and spent all day downloading templates. I love the new look and since I've decided I wont be cutting my hair until December this way I can change something in my life as many times as I want!!

I also added my Shelfari bookshelf wich I think anyone who loves reading needs to get. Its easy and free and you can keep track of all the books you’ve read or ar planning to read.  There are thousands of groups you can join and its easy to make new friends. So if you love reading join Shelfari

Take Two

Life happens. You make choices that that change your course and sometimes, if you’re lucky, they change your life.  After coming home from  Haiti all I wanted to do was cry. Cry for the ten year old girl who lost hearing on her left ear because no one knew she had an ear infection. Cry for the limping father who didn’t want anyone to clean the open wound on his leg until someone helped his two month old little girl who lost her mother. Cry for the many Haitian volunteers that even when living in tents would show up every morning to see what they could do to help. Cry for the rain that fell on my tent while many others didn’t have the luxury of a roof. Cry for the smiling children who sang while waiting hours just for a chance to eat some crackers.

Haiti marked me. My experience there is tattooed on my soul and nothing I write can ever express all I saw, felt or learned there. There aren’t enough words in any language that can truly help me describe my experience. I won’t try to, all I can do now is live, enjoy my life, appreciate all I have and try to nourish my soul with all the joy I can get to feed it. Haiti taught me that living your life, enjoying it for what it is, only happens when you truly appreciate all that you still have. I have a lot. A lot to smile about, to laugh about, to cry about, to write about. So from now on I will just write.

I started this blog as I way to help me get back to writing. Ever since I was a little girl all I ever wanted  was to be a writer. I wanted to put on paper the characters that lived in my head and had a story to tell.  I wanted to re write the ending of my favorite Telenovela, or my favorite book, or my favorite movie. I wanted to live through my words all I had yet to live. Years later I still want all those things and my biggest failure has been to neglect this simple act that brings me joy. I set myself a goal that I won’t be able to meet now. So this is me starting over. I will not write five hundred words a day anymore. I will try to write every day with the understanding that life happens and that someday's are worth five hundred words, others a thousand and others merely ten.

A good friend told me that the point is just to write.  

Haiti: The Journey There

Day 1 

28/1/2010 to  29/1/2010

Maybe the trip shouldn’t count as a full day, but I feel it deserves its own entry. The schedule time of arrival at the meeting place was ten pm. I got there thirty minutes late and the organizers where still registering the volunteers. We where suppose to leave by eleven but in the Dominican Republic being on time is never a reality. In the end we finally left around midnight. We got a lecture from a priest/psychologist about handling stress (it wasn’t a very good speech at all) and we waited to see if more of the volunteers who signed up would show up. They didn’t , only 12 of the 20 did.

During the lecture a Haitian national that studies psychology in Santiago told us that based on what he had seen while in Haiti ( he worked for the red cross from January 13 until the 20^th) right after the earthquake the death toll will be larger than anyone can imagine (he actually said 500,000!!) He said the rescue efforts focused on the buildings and houses in the main areas but that little help was reaching the small communities. By the time those far away places are finally reached the death toll would probably be higher than expected because some of those deaths could’ve been prevented with a faster response.

Our exodus from Sto Dgo was slowed by the Escogido celebrations. It was annoying (Licey Campeon!) but I understand their shock at such a feat, like someone said on twitter “the last time they won Luke Skywalker still didn’t know who is father was”.

By 2:30 am I was up. Sleeping on a bus is not something I do well. I played with my aunts BB for awhile until we reached Jimani. There we waited a lot then finally got our vaccination shots before getting ready to cross the border

Daylight came as we crossed to a place I was both anticipating and dreading. The drive to Leogane was longer than expected due to traffic but the biggest surprise to me was the lack of chaos on the streets. The TV made it seem like I would find Armageddon there, but I didn’t. I found tent camps everywhere, most of them made out of sticks and curtains or sheets; but mostly it was clean streets full of military personnel and lots of traffic. We saw a lot of broken down homes but they didn’t impact me as much as the colorful buses and how I finally saw a country where most drivers where as crazy as in the Dominican Republic.  In the end I went back to napping until we reached the camp in Leogane.  Little did I know then that what I would experience in  the grounds of the Hospital Cardenal Leger would change my life forever.

Word count: 470

Day 15: Following your heart

The past couple of days I've been getting ready to go to Leogan, Haiti, to help with the logistics of a medical camp. My family has been very supportive, a little worried but they understand my desire to help. After the first couple of days I stopped looking at the graphic and I've chosen to only read stories of survival and courage. Survival. I am not trying to pretend things in Haiti are anything but horrendous. I understand that right now the entire country is covered in grief, in blood, in tears, in fear. I understand that but I choose to focus on the opposite end of this tragedy.

I choose to celebrate the seventeen year old girl who was rescued fifteen days after the earthquake

I choose to celebrate the French rescue team that is still searching for people alive instead of removing bodies, even though the official rescue efforts have been called off

I choose to celebrate Elisabeth, a 23-day-old baby, is rescued from the ruins of a house in the devastated town of Jacmel rescued 8 days after the earthquake

I choose to celebrate all the work many Dominicans are doing not because they have to but because they can

I choose to celebrate my brother who went to Haiti on a one week trip and chose to stay an extra week because they needed the help

I choose to celebrate all the people that are opening their homes to those who have none

I understand that as a whole what I will encounter will probably be so painful ill find it  impossible to describe but I as I see it this is my chance learn what I am truly made of. I have always been a very loud, very opinionated person but this is the first time I can put my money where my mouth is. I used to  dream I would  change the world,  I used to dream that I would  make a difference but I've never done anything to actually turn those dreams into a reality. This is an opportunity for me to grow, a chance to discover the real meaning of hope and an opportunity to learn more about myself.

Obviously because of this trip I’m taking I won’t be able to post regularly (not that I've been doing that in the first place) but I am taking with me a blank notebook and two pens. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep writing every day while I'm there. When I come back ill try and type up all my experiences if I can. In the meantime I leave you with these inspiring words…

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?"

Rabbi Hillel

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

  Groucho Marx

     Word Count: 523

Day 14: Life Keeps getting in the way

Life keeps getting in the way in more ways than I thought. I refuse to give up this project even when it looks like I already have.

This super long weekend I had to work and even though I am very disorganized in my personal life my work related events run like clockwork. I am very anal about the pre cooking process and how timed my mise en place should be. Due to this obsession I spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning shopping for everything I would need for an event I had scheduled for all day Monday.

Sunday night all hell broke loose.

My client calls me up and lets me know that everything we had planned will need to be rearranged. The first coffee break will just be cheese, muffins, a variety of breads, coffee, tea and Juice. I didn’t have muffins or a variety of breads, so I had to run out Monday morning, an off day, to get it. The lunch was changed twice before finally settling on what I had first offered minus one dish. The last dish was to be used for dinner and we would need to add two salads and an upgrade to the dessert.

The entire day was chaos. I ran late all day and to top it all off at the last minute I had to add an extra item because of the guest couldn’t eat eggplant!! It was not a good day for me. I am grateful I’m a fair enough cook to pull it off without anyone puking or hating everything, but I still did not have fun.

This has officially turned into a rant and I don’t like the fact that is my second one in less than two weeks. I guess I whine a lot more than thought. I shouldn’t be complaining at all. I understand how blessed I am, specially lately.

My brother left for Haiti last Saturday. He is working at a campsite providing food and health care to anyone that goes there. Yesterday he finally wrote an email and even though he didn’t go into much detail he let us know that the people of Haiti are going through so much and that every little thing helps. So if anyone is able to get off work for a week please contact 

CAMPAMENTO COMISIÓN DE SALUD DE LA PLATAFORMA DE AYUDA A HAITÍ DE LA SOCIEDAD CIVIL DOMINICANA

La Comisión de Salud ha establecido un campamento médico en Puerto Príncipe que está necesitando personal:

SE NECESITA VOLUNTARIADO!!:

-Personal Médico: Médicos generales, psicólogos, pediatras, ortopedas y  ginecólogas.

-Traductores y Apoyo logístico (que sean proactivos, con capacidad para coordinar, ofrecer todo tipo de soporte, que busquen soluciones a situaciones de búsqueda de alternativas).

INTERESADOS:

Por favor enviar su nombre, cédula y pasaporte (dominicanos, si tienen  y extranjeros obligatorio), e-mail, teléfono formación y área de apoyo en el que puedan ser útiles) a los siguientes correos electrónicos:

n.camino@codetel.net.do
estibalizladron@yahoo.es
Chelsea.mcguire@gmail.com

I will follow my brother later this week and even though I won’t have internet access, I’ll take my notebook and lots of pens so that I can try and write my five hundred words every day I’m there. As soon as I’m back ill try to type everything and post it.

Tomorrow I have to get everything ready but I’ll try to post again before I leave. If not, be well, laugh hard, love without strings and enjoy every moment of your life.

                                                                                                                                                                      Word Count: 576

Day 13: When Life gets in the way

So life happened and I missed two days. The world didn’t end and today I have a desperate urge to write, plus the guilt of not posting two days in a row is eating me up, but the delay was unavoidable.

First I had a wedding to attend. I love weddings especially when I like the people that are getting married. The trouble with weddings for me is that I just hate getting ready to go to one. The part I detest the most is finding the right dress. I hate shopping. I know it’s unnatural for a girl to hate this practice but I do,  what can I say? I was traumatized when I was younger and now I can’t find any pleasure in the task. I can window shop as much as the next girl but trying on clothes makes me break out in hives. I love the process of looking at dresses and checking out the latest trends just so I can mock the ones I don’t like, but every time I try something on the joy disappears dress by dress. In this particular case I was lucky, I found my dress on the third store I visited and then everything else easily fell in to place. I had a great pair of shoes at home and the earrings and bracelet where easy to find.

The wedding was beautiful, the bride and groom radiant but the star of the night was the food. I have never eaten so well at a wedding party. We got there late, so we missed the ceremony but we didn’t miss the canapés. This first round my favorites where the dates stuffed with blue cheese and walnuts wrapped in bacon, the lobster ceviche and the chistorras wrapped in puff pastry. In the second round, the cold table, the   shrimp where so perfectly cooked I couldn’t stop eating them, the lamb & mushroom voulavent was such perfection I could’ve eaten just that all night, and the lobster & corn empanadas where so good I only had the chance to eat one. After that came the hot buffet,  between the Cochinillo and the Red Snapper I don’t know which one was better. The dessert table was so pretty and tasty that I didn’t even have room for the cake. I hear it was good.  For a person that loves to eat as much as I do this night was a great one. I wish everyone has the chance to have a dinner like this, where the food is so amazing you’ll remember it for years to come. I feel sorry for my friends though because even though they looked beautiful and in love in this wedding the food was the most memorable part about it.

The  next day I was ready to get back to writing but I slept in.  I woke up late and had lunch with a friend at her recent obsession. Later I went to her house for some chatting and bonding with friends and their dogs. I of course I’m  not a big dog fan, and that’s why every one of my friends has one and they all feel the need to rub up against my leg or cuddle next to me while I take a nap.

After surviving some Tiki love, I went to dinner at an amazing French restaurant called “ Louis Phillipe” (c/ Casimiro de Moya #50 809.682.95551) with some great friends I hadn’t seen in awhile and laughed and ate and drank to my heart’s content. It was a perfect weekend of good food, lots to drink and great friends, therefore I can’t regret missing these past two days.

I have realized that my project might not be as regular as I hope it could be, because sometimes the rest of the world gets in the way, so I will make some adjustments to the concept and give myself some leeway to make this work. In this country we have about thirteen holidays, so that means I have thirteen times where I can take a break. I guess now I only have eleven times but that’s ok,  I'll try to use them wisely

Word Count: 697

P.S If anyone knows the exact number of off days please let me know

Day 12: The Wait is Over...

It arrived at ten seventeen am. I know that for a fact because I was setting the kitchen timer for a soufflé I was making for lunch and I looked at the radio clock sitting on top of the unplugged microwave. The doorbell rang as soon as I pressed start and for a second I though the noise was from the timer, but when it kept ringing I realized it was the door. I took of my apron as I walked towards the main entrance and tossed it on the sofa before I opened the door. The mailman greeted me with his usual cheeriness and asked about my family as he handed me all the mail that had been sent to us that day. I said my goodbyes distractedly as I browsed through the packages , searching for the one thing I’d been waiting for. The Wait was over. I can’t remember how many times I imagined myself in this same place, holding this same piece of paper waiting for the information inside it; but dreaming it and living it are two different things.

 I stood there for about forty minutes, dazed, staring at it, holding it as if at any moment it would vanish. I only know it was about forty minutes because the timer beeped and that’s how long I had it for. I shook my head as I put the closed enveloped down and walked back to the kitchen while retying my apron. I opened the oven and found that my soufflé, for once, had risen. It was a tempting golden color, fluffy and smelling like melted sugar and chocolate. I transferred the hot plate to the stove top where it could sit and cool, then went back out to face a past I longed to understand.

I finally ripped the envelop open and took out the papers inside and read. “The information requested is unavailable” was all it said. I was numb, for a second I thought it was a joke.  I couldn’t believe that after all the stress and worry I would just get a rejection. Or is it an omission? I didn’t understand what it meant. I'd been searching for this information for so long, going through the right channels, filling out all the required forms, spending hours on hold how can this be? What do I do now?

This little moment in time was just a small exercise in fiction that might turn into something bigger or it might turn into nothing at all. Overall I’m happy that is longer than my last attempt at writing something that had nothing to do with the world outside my head. This project is sometimes easier and sometimes harder than I thought it would be. There are days when the words flow and there are days where getting each word out is harder than pulling teeth, but each day helps me get back a passion I thought id lost.  My writing juices are finally waking up and with any luck soon all my entries will deal with fiction instead of reality

Word Count: 515